Listen, as a budding fashion designer it’s my responsibility to analyze and grade red carpet fits when celebrities and athletes get together for the biggest awards show in sports. I don’t make the rules, I just follow ’em. That’s why you’re here today. We’re gonna grade out the hottest looks from last night’s ESPYs red carpet. Lemme tell ya, there were some DECISIONS made. The ESPYs is always a fascinating case study because some athletes either think themselves to be fashion mavens or they have someone telling them what to wear. Either way, there’s always gonna be a few that end up looking wacky.
Patrick Mahomes II – C-
Great decisions on the field, so-so decision with this look. I’ll just call this one the “Sweaty Pits and Tits”.
Last second and need an accessory? How about a pair of white Oakleys to tie it all together. Oakleys that a guy driving a Ford F-450 with assault rifle bumper stickers who spends WAY too much time at the lake might wear.
It’s not that the suit’s the most horrible thing I’ve ever seen, it’s actually fine, but can you imagine the river of sweat that was running down the middle of his back directly into the crack of that ass? Hopefully he was wearing an absorbent pair of underwear to prevent swampy status down below. Also, no socks, so you know his feet were slip-sliding around in those loafers by the end of the night. It’s July in Los Angeles and he’s wearing a suit buttoned up, with no shirt underneath and no socks. Sweat factory all around taking away from an otherwise solid ensemble.
Dion Dawkins – C+
Repugnant and offensive, but I can’t look away. Is there an ESPY award for “deepest, darkest belly button”? Because he would win it. Blasting his nips in signature fashion and showing off the chest at an awards show is a bold move, but I don’t hate the suit nor the energy he’s bringing. Big meaty man that’s proud to show off the beef in the freezer doing what he wants in LA, who am I to tell him any different? At least he had the foresight to unbutton his jacket, preventing excess sweat, and let the boys breathe.
Damar Hamlin – A+
All class. Perfectly tailored suit, form-fitting jacket and a bowtie, it just don’t get no better than this, folks. What happened to this fit for awards shows? When did everyone have to go and get nuts with it? He looks like James Bond showing up to a high-stakes poker table, about to order a martini! What else could you want from a red carpet look? Classic, clean, and perfectly executed.
I’m getting big “Tom Haverford at the Snakehole Lounge” vibes here. I feel like this could be thrown together at TJ Maxx but I also can’t back that up with any concrete evidence, so he gets away with it.
This silken shirt is wrinkled so bad. It looks like it was just shot out of a t-shirt cannon and he caught in the stands, then put on and went straight to the red carpet without ironing or steaming it. Maybe that’s by design in which case I rescind my prior comment and extend a “SORRY” to Eric. The pants and shoes are nice, it’s all just a little casual for me in this setting and looks like he’s going to dinner as an extra on the set of “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”. With that said, good accessories and I can certainly respect striving for comfort.